The jokes

What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.

Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.

What is anonymous 🤔 oral masturbation? the politically correct word for anonymous gay fellatio from a 🕳 glory hole inside a 📖 adult book store

What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?

Wheelchair.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."

Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?

Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

I can hear the whole world booing me.

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

Did you hear the joke about Helen Keller? Neither did she. Did you see that one coming? Neither did she.

(She's blind and deaf)

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."