That jokes

Your mom's so heavy that it caused Atlas, the Titan, to slip a disc.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

Your mother is so fat that her BMI (Body Mass Index) exceeds 40, therefore classifying her as morbidly obese.

A man is being sued for raping a deaf girl. The judge, showing his pinky:

"You should be ashamed, man, your conscience is even smaller than that!"

The girl, showing her arm:

"Mhhhmmhmm, mhhmhm!"

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

So, if she gargles your cum, is that a jacuzzi daycare?

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?

B minor.

Your mom is so fat that she works as a hydraulic press in a car factory!

If Canada had to apologise for Bryan Adams on several occasions, it's only fair that Americans are tortured and waterboarded for bringing Katy Perry and Carrie Underwood to the world!

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

"Yo mama is so fat that when I buried her, she made the Earth round."

What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.

So, unfortunately, I got kicked out of the library again because, for some reason, they say that books on women's rights don't go in the fantasy section.

Has anybody else noticed that out of nowhere there are always tons of people online? It's kinda trippy if I'm being honest.

Did you hear about the emo kid that tried to high-five a tree? It left him hanging.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."