Suicide jokes

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

These gags are killing me!

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

Go commit neck rope.

Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.

It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.