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Suicide

Suicide jokes

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

  • 2

    • If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?

    Asking for a friend.

    Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

    To get to the other side (suicide).

    Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?

    To see his flatmate.

    You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

    So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.

    One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"

  • 5

    • Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

    Half of the class: *raises hand*

    Teacher: ...

    The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*