Success jokes

To all my haters, keep sucking. I'm about to cum.

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

How do trannies pass successfully? By passing away.

Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.

Why do some couples go to the gym together?

Because they want their relationship to work out.

Why are orphans always famous?

Because they say, "Go big or go home," and orphans only have one option.

Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.

The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

Why did the rapper become a pilot?

Because he wanted to take his flow to new heights!

There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!

If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.

Not many people know this, but Soulja Boy was the lead role in a very successful children's movie a while ago. Released to theaters nationwide in 2006 was Honey, I Crunked the Kids.

CEO Intrepid entrepreneur born in 1964, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos.

Repeat, come on Jeffrey, you can do it, pave the way, put your back into it, tell us why, show us how, look at where you came from, look at you now.

Zuckerberg and Gates and Musk, they're the anchors, can make and sick it up there with drink their blood, come on Jeff get it! Dododoododododod

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

What’s the key to a successful relationship?

Consent.

What do you call a tall, affluent person? A big success.

Michael proved anything is possible in America. Where else can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?