Substance Abuse jokes
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
What’s the difference between kids and drugs?
I don’t hide drugs in my basement.
I like my women like I like my scotch:
12 years old and mixed with coke.
You look like a heroin addict in a women's refuge.
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
George Floyd: 3 years sober, drug and alcohol free.
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
Weirdo: I'm too high to die!
Me: You'll just fall harder.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
Why are people surprised by Johnny Depp having $30,000 wine bills, domestic violence accusations, rampant substance abuse, poor hygiene, and the looks of a predator?
He grew up a Florida Man, after all.
Why can't you say hi to a drug addict?
They'll say "yea."
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!