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What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.

Q: Why did the two gate-builders start fighting?

A: Because they were fencing.

The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.

The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.

The French salute starts with your hands in the air.

The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:

11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.