Speaking jokes

A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...

A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.

"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"

Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"

"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"

Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"

"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"

Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"

Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

Russians be like: "bfddrhnnkhsaxbjk speak English!"

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."

Speak in AAVE, Mr. Bear...

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

A: It’s very delicious! Great! Fantastic!

B: Thank you.

A: People don’t speak when they eat delicious foods!

What language do they speak in the middle of the earth?

CORE-ean

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.

I was the person that flew into the Twin Towers. I have two friends that are both twins, and whenever they speak, I tell them to shut up because if they don't, I'll make myself explode in them.

This mute kid was getting made fun of. I told him to speak up for himself.

As we speak now, someone is making arrangements for December with your girlfriend.

Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?

They’re jealous that autism can speak.

(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).

Why couldn't the horse give out a speech?

Option one: Horses can't speak at all.

Option two: His voice was a little *hoarse*.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

What do you call a person that [proudly] knows only one language? A bloody seppo.

What do you call a person that speaks five languages? A Euro waiter.

What did the lampost say to the other lampost?

Nothing, because it can't speak.

What language do billboards speak?

Sign language.