I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.
Poipole walks into a bar and says “poipoipoipoi.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, but in order to get takeout, you have to know how to speak a foreign language.” Poipole says “Pika!”
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Two muffins are sitting in a bar.
The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."
The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.
Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.
In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."
Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...
Knock knock.
Jou is there?
Why don't you speak English?
There is a young lady.
She is beautiful.
She got much vote.
But she speaks very fast.
Does she think she looks smart doing that?
She makes me feel bad.
Two kids are out in the cold, with downpours of snow erupting from the clouds.
One of the kids says something: "Can we build a snowman that is going through puberty?"
The other kid says something else: "Yes. It sounds cool."
After a while, the snowman was finished, and some words jut out of the first kid's mouth: "Wow! Look at that snowman! It's got hair all over, but I think it's missing something though."
The other kid jumps a little and begins speaking: "Oh, I know what it is!"
After a while, a body part made of a carrot and two cucumbers appears on the snowman's crotch. It is a penis and a ballsack.
The first kid speaks: "Icy what you did there."
The other kid replies: "Good thing I didn't slip up there."
The first kid replies: "Well, that's snow problem."
The other kid then uttered this: "These puns would make the most frigid individual crack up."
The first kid then says: "I know, right?"
They then begin a snowball fight.
The other kid then says: "Only the men have snowballs!"
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
I speak for the trees.
*Trees whisper in my ear*
They said six million wasn't enough.
What did the lampost say to the other lampost?
Nothing, because it can't speak.
"Actions speak louder than words."
This doesn't apply to Stephen Hawking, however...
A french fry was talking to a potato, but the potato didn't understand what he was saying.
It was because he didn't speak French.
What language do people at the center of the Earth speak?
Core-an (Korean)
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”
Why can’t he just speak plain English?
Person A: Where do you come from?
Person B: Liberia.
Person A: *speaks softer* Oh sorry, do you come from?
Do you know why no one speaks about George Washington?
John Adams turned him into atoms. John Adams was an alien.
A drunk guy asked his penis: 《Tell me, how can you get shorter and longer and I can't?》
《Why don't you speak to me?》
《Stop getting shorter and longer or I will choke you.》
《Oh yeah, I like it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)》
Hhhhhhhhh ♪(┌・。・)┌
What language do they speak in the middle of the earth?
CORE-ean
