SOS jokes

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

Why do orphans cause trouble at school?

So the teachers will call their parents.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

While fucking, my sister said, "Brother, you are so naughty! You fucked our elder aunt every day in the absence of my uncle and cousins and made her pregnant!" Little did she know, I fucked our mother every day in the absence of her, my father, and my elder brother and made my mom pregnant as well!

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.

You are so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye.

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said: "To be continued."

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.