Sons jokes

A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

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    • One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

    He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

    So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

    Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

    I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

    He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

    My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

    A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

    "HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

    "No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

    "Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

    Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

    A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.

    The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.

    My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

    I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

    I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

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    • Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

    They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

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    • A girl walks into the church and confesses.

    Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

    Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "He held my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

    Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

    Priest: "Then what?"

    Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

    Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

    A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

    Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

    Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"