Someone jokes

Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."

I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."

Saturn was so loved, someone put a ring on him.

Why did the man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.

Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?

A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

What did the man say about someone who had a seizure?

"Jit was lagging."

Say _______ is so flat that when someone hit them, they got a paper cut!

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

One day at school, little Johnny was not listening, so the teacher came up to him.

Teacher: "At the end of this ruler is someone dumb."

Little Johnny: "Miss, which end were you referring to?"

Why do orphans like to have sex?

So they can finally have someone to call "daddy."

Why did the chicken cross the road why? Because they wanted to kick someone in the family.

If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?

If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that F was the villain (Alphabet Lore), I would be rich.