Someone jokes
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
Why can’t you private text someone in a community?
Because a community has more than two people.
Why do orphans like pedos? Because it's someone that loves them and they can call "daddy."
When someone asks you for a beef (fight), just say you're a vegetarian.
Memes
Me everyday
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.
What do you say after you throw an egg at someone? "Yolks on you!"
Why did the orphan go to church?
So he gets to call someone father.
Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."
I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.
That one really *crashed and burned*.
Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.
Saturn was so loved, someone put a ring on him.
After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."
What do you tell someone who has depression?
Answer: Just hang in there.
I have two things I wanna say:
1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.
2. wtf
Why did the orphan cheat on his girlfriend with a guy?
Because he wanted someone to call "Mommy" and "Daddy."