Someone jokes

Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."

I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Why did the man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."

Saturn was so loved, someone put a ring on him.

Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?

A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.

Your hairline is like a lollipop because every time someone licks it, it gets shorter.

Anne Frank: This one time at camp, someone had too much gas.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!

What do you call someone without a body and a nose? Nobody knows.

How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

Someone is adding dirt to my garden!

The plot thickens!

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.