Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed
Soliciters are more likely to harrass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch
Someone is adding dirt to my garden! The plot thickens!
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "everytime someone lies, it ticks once, Mother Terresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, " Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
What do you say when you hear someone tripping over at night Goddammit Jamal
My middle name Is Brian I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out Johnny Brain Walker was Incorrect
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer. Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer then someone would kill me.
You used to be someone’s Sunshine but sorry, the climate changed. 😂😂😂😂
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
Chuck Norris strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Zu are playing as Ukraine in Military tycoon and then someone kills you, you see who killed you in nuke revenge and it says Putinmoserfucer2342
someone i know is an ant. i feel like a mountain to them.
My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!
What do you call Panera bread when it’s on top of someone?
Panera head
What do you call someone who’s afraid of breastroke? Chicken breast
What do you call someone with notorious special needs and an extra chromosome? The double trouble.
Why was the cookie angry because someone ate the chips
"I miss you- Being happy was never that hard without you..."
Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...
