Someone jokes

How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?

Kick his sister's jaw.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.

If there was someone selling drugs around here, we'd know.

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Cannibal (n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?