Short jokes
Some people think emo jokes are funny, but I think it can cut both ways.
Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”
Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
People claim that Trump has Russian ties.
FAKE NEWS!
All of Trump's ties are made in China.
I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.
The things you do for your cousins!
A nickname to call your short GF:
Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok
When a pregnant lady gives birth, it looks like she is having an erection.
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
Muslim religion is just pregnant women saying "Allahu Akbar" and exploding a bus.
If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.
Do you know when an African doesn't feel hungry?
When he is dead.
Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.
I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.