Short jokes
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
Q: Why can't you run through a campground?
A: You can only ran, because it's past tents!
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
What did one bear reply to his bad pun?
"Bear with me!"
"Knock knock?"
"Mustache."
"I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
What camel has 3 humps?
...A pregnant one.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.
Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.
There are 3 things wrong with this world.
1. Spelling
2. Maths.
Why did C.S.C. fail the trigonometry test?
Cosecant remember his own name.
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
The waiter recommended the rug meal.
She said it was delicious, but it's a tassle to make.
Where did the one legged lady work?
IHOP
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A violin has "strings" and a fiddle has "strangs."
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
Why did the octopus cry?
Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.