Short jokes
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
When you wear a big hat and your butt starts to splat diarrhea!
My job is so amazing.
Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.
What do you call an engineer that bakes? A BAKENEER!
I always think that percussions are golden, but cheeks are brass.
When an emo asks you to hang out under a tree...
I'm on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.
What's the difference between a dwarf and a Japanese man?
I don't know, you tell me.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?
"Can I have a bodybag?"
What did the slaves say when they met their soon-to-be masters?
"Aaah, a ghost!"
When I said I wanted vegetable stew, I didn’t mean boil Stephen Hawking!
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.
I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.
Ashton Parkes.
What is the toughest part of the human body?
Anal hair, all the shit that they go through.
Why does Hitler need glasses?
Because he could Nazi.