Shit Jokes

when the quiet kid lost a game of basket ball and reaches in to his bag

other people in gym: oh shit this nigga bouta shot

what does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common? A. both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.

what’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer,and a poor kids parents getting ran over by military tractors?When grandma got ran over by a reindeer,the kids actually gave a shit.

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "autistic child zone". Then I thought to myself Oh shit that wasn't a dog!

What is wrong with having chocolate for dessert? It taste like shit and I hate it.

Nasa equals Nugget and shit anmiture

Why did the chicken cross the road

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed anyone know cpr? I said shit I know all the letters of the alphabet. Everyone laughed well except for this 1 guy

This shit is disgusting but funny

what was my great grandpas last words

SHIT MG42!!!

you get a deep voice you shit talk to 5 yr olds

Two people walk down the road one sais to the other mitch we past weight watchers 2 minutes ago he responds jake the noodle shop is just here you been carrying that shit on your head for 14 years

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation? Do you need help packing your shit?

a man attacked me with cheese and milk how dairy!"!!!

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate. Shitmate: you’re so shitable . Me: Bring banana ice cream. Shitmate: never happening.

What did the dinosaur say to the man?

It didn’t, they dead.

Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can't wait to see it"

So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers"