Round jokes

The earth is flat.

What is round and squishy? A dead baby's head.

Hey, I just want to give a round of applause to Shooter McFly, single-handedly keeping the jokes section alive. Unappreciated, well, Shooter, one person here appreciates you, at least.

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

Sonic can run around the world in a second.

In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.

The wheels on the wheelchair go round and round.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

Why do nuns go around in pairs?

So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

What do you call a too round egg?

A prEGGnant egg.

What is the epitome of being quick on the draw?

Coming both first and last in the same round of "soggy biscuit".

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt, and a person said to me: "That must be a bit tight round the neck."

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

What's the difference between a square peg in a round hole and a kilo of lard?

One's a good lot of fat; the other's a fat lot of good.