Roast jokes

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

I bet you're a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, btw your roasts are not fucking funny, they're bullshit like your face and your hairline.

Yo momma so dumb, she got kicked off the short bus.

A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asked what that was for.

"It is for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"

Balls.

I have been charged, because I roasted a kid at a barbeque.

Me: Mom, we made a cake.

Bully: Guess what?

Me: What?

Bully: Nobody cares!

Me: Yeah, nobody cares about you!

I don't care if I got beat the first day you were born. Your momma asked for a receipt!

"Where are you? [Because you] make me wanna throw up every time I see you."

Yo body so plastic that a turtle could choke on your peeled skin!

I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I see you, I throw up.

I am not telling you twice, your mouth stinks, so go burn your house down like a crazy mad woman, and I will call the cops like, "WTH," because you are so fat.

Yo hair so big it took me weeks to find the needle in it.

George, when I saw your face, I had to shoot you with a Nerf gun. If you died, wimp.

You're the reason the middle finger got created.

You’re so short, you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.

I'm not saying you're ugly, but you're the reason God created miscarriages!

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

This town ain't big enough for the one of you.

Your mom's so poor, she chased the garbage truck with her grocery list.