My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...
I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”
Person 2: “What happened?”
Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”
Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”
Person 1: “I was in my car.”
So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.
I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤
My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...
My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.
Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!
A note for my History Teacher:
Frick frack apple jack tic tac sick sack Mr. Khan and give him a big fat whack 'cause his teaching's got lack, his system I will hack and through the screen I'll give him a smack. I'll throw him on the clothing rack. On his seat I'll put thumb tacks, I'll break his momma's back... and he'll never come back.
I was making fun of an orphan, then I realized he tracked me down. I made a bad decision. He was Batman!
