Rest Jokes

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion? A. May your baby rest in pieces.

Emos They're always a cut above the rest.

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spen the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

Fork pierces the flesh Guided by hunger's demand Savoury feast waits

Tines dig deep within Seeking the sustenance craved A mealtime delight

Belly grumbles loud Yearning for nourishment's touch Fork answers the call

Food on the platter Fork dances with anticipation To satiate hunger's plea

Digestion begins Fork's journey now complete Nourishing the soul

Why does the fork go? To bring joy to empty hearts Satiating needs

In the stomach's depths Fork finds purpose and solace A culinary bond

With each mealtime tale The fork carves memories deep In stomachs it rests

For centuries, Japan’s feudal dictators, called Shoguns, enforced strict laws that kept people from leaving or entering the country. This practice isolated Japan from the rest of the world. By the middle of the 19th century, Japan’s isolationism was creating problems for the United States’ whaling industry whose ships needed coal, food, and water available in Japanese ports. And sailors who were shipwrecked on the coast of Japan needed protection from mistreatment. In November 1852, President Millard Fillmore sent an expedition to Japan to solve these problems. Led by Commodore Matthew C. Perry, the the expedition had both steam-powered and sail-powered warships and several hundred men. Perry’s task was to persuade the Japanese to sign a treaty with the United States that would open Japanese ports and protect shipwrecked sailors. On July 8, 1853, the Perry expedition sailed into Edo Bay about thirty miles from the city of Edo (modern Tokyo). During talks with the Shogun’s representatives, the idea of a treaty was repeatedly rejected. But Perry didn’t give up. Finally, in February 1854, the Japanese agreed to negotiate a treaty. The Treaty of Kanagawa established peace between the two countries, opened two ports to U.S. shipping, and protected shipwrecked sailors. It was signed on March 31, 1854. Perry’s expedition also opened Japan to the rest of the world. Within two years, Japan signed similar treaties with Russia, Holland, and Britain.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...... The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep-? Me: I have depression what do you think-?!