Really jokes

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Why is an orphan really good at being naughty?

Because they have no one to tell them off.

What did one mountain climber say to the other mountain climber?

Man, you are really on edge.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

What do you call a rabbit who is really cool?

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

What is the most annoying thing your parents say to you, and what is the dumbest thing someone can say that annoys you?

The most annoying thing your parents can say: "Finish your dinner, there are starving kids in Africa!" No, you can't have any dessert until you finish your dinner. (See how annoying that is!)

The dumbest thing someone can say that annoys you: "Why is your name Crayla? Why is your last name Goldburg? Is it like a gold bird!" (That is really annoying if you ask me!)

Thanks for reading this...bye!

Director: Hi, we are making a huge cliffhanger in this movie.

Actor: Really? What do I do?

Director: You will play the part of the cliff. (holds up hanging rope)

I bet most of these mfs are white or not Mexican, lmao. Y'all really going at it with these jokes 😐

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)

MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?

BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!

MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?

BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!

MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?

BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.

MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.

BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!

(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)

MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

What is black and blue and really hates sex?

The six-year-old in my basement.

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"