Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.
Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?
Richard: No, I couldn't.
Richard's mom: Why?
Richard: Because he was cute.
All real chemists know that alcohol is always a solution.
I did this chemistry joke yesterday, but I didn't get a reaction.
"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.
Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?
When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.
If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Your mama so fat, when Santa saw her he said, "Ho, ho, holy s***!"
I am disabled and I find these jokes appropriately hilarious.
My friend: "Yo, stupid."
Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"
My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."
Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
What did the mincrater do when his Xbox turns off?
He raged! 😱
What did chemical 1 say to chemical 2?
"I think you're overreacting."
What do a friend and a mouse have in common? They will both be angry if you throw bricks at them.
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
Yo' mama is so ugly, she makes onions cry.
What's the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
Don't scare me! I poop easily!
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
