Pregnancy jokes
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
Huh, I’m pregnant again. Must be something in the air.
Yeah, your legs.
What starts with “M” and ends with “arriage”?
Miscarriage.
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.
Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."
Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.
Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.
Every good joke has its delivery, except abortion jokes, because they have none.
When is rape normal?
When it's called an unplanned pregnancy.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
Q: What's the difference between a fetus and an onion?
A: One makes you cry when you chop it into pieces.
What do you call a pregnant slave? A two for one deal.
1+1=3, just add 9 months.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
What does an abortion joke and a fetus have in common... The joke never gets old, and neither does the kid.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
Jack and Jill went up a hill. His condom ripped, and now they are from Alabama.