Personal jokes

What does an apple and a gay person have in common?

Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.

You could be sitting alone and still be the dumbest person in the room.

How do you lift a depressed person up?

No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.

(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!

(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!

(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.

What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I went to the bank to apply for a Personal Loan.

Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper, so they didn't want to Post M"loan."

What do you call a black person in a swimming pool?

Coco Pops.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

I saw a Black person riding a bike, so I ran back to my garage. He was still eating.

A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.

I threw a gay person into a fire. Now we call him LGBBQ.

When the person who killed JFK heard "headshot."

What does a rich person eat? 24 karats/carrots!

Imagine if a disabled person's last name was Runner or Walker! 😬😂

What can’t a person with no arms do: if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

Who is not hungry in Africa?

A dead person.

Hey, I just want to give a round of applause to Shooter McFly, single-handedly keeping the jokes section alive. Unappreciated, well, Shooter, one person here appreciates you, at least.