Personal jokes
Everyone always has a special person in their life someday, but I think yours got ran over by a bus.
What did Scorpion say to the ugly person?
"STAY OVER THERE!"
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
Hey you, the person who's scrolling, I know you might have depression and some feel they can't talk to anyone about it, so in the comments please, if you need to talk to others, if you comment about it and say you need to talk to someone, I promise you that I will talk to you. You are not alone, and even though it seems it won't change and get better, it will, I promise.
Please no harsh comments toward each other.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
You could be sitting alone and still be the dumbest person in the room.
Q: What kind of person has 100% ambition and never gives up if someone gets in their way?
A: A rapist.
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?
Borderline Personality Disorder.
(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!
(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!
(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.
I went to the bank to apply for a Personal Loan.
Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper, so they didn't want to Post M"loan."
What do you call a black person in a swimming pool?
Coco Pops.
I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.
I saw a Black person riding a bike, so I ran back to my garage. He was still eating.
A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.
I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.
Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:
White person: Dad, you're home!
Black person: Dad?
White person: You can keep the change.
Black person: Empty the register.
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.