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Patient

Patient jokes

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.

Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?

Oh, it's still cancer.

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

You reload and keep shooting.

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

  • 0

    • I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

  • 2

    • Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

    Patient: What's the good news?

    Doctor: I've got you flowers.

    Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

    Doctor: They're for your grave.

    Doctor: You need new glasses.

    Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

    Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

    Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

    Patient: It runs in the family.

    Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

  • 6

    • I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

    I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

  • 4

    • The patient said, "When will this be over?"

    The doctor said, "After you die."

    The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

    The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

    The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

    A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

    The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

    Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

    Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

    After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

    Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

    The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

    A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."