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What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

You reload and keep shooting.

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

  • 4

    • The patient said, "When will this be over?"

    The doctor said, "After you die."

    The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

    The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

    The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"

    A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

    The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

    Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

    Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

    After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

    Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

    The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

    A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

    When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

    Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

    Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

    Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

    Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."