Parenthood jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a bucket of water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mam or dad. Prom night dumpster baby My story isn't long, but boy, it's awfully sad. Although I came from a hole (Although I came from a hole) I'm singin' right from the soul (I'm singin' right from the soul)

My fanny needs a blanket And somebody to spank it I miss my mam But she's at the prom So I'm prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby

And I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) Hahaha, I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll)

Why did the orphan grow up to be a priest?

So he could be called Father Les.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.

What does the "f" stand for in orphan?

Family.

What's the same about a newborn and a football?

You can kick them both very easily.

Wife: I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.

Wife: No, you’re not.

What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

I once gave birth to 3 children.

Doctor: I will deliver the baby right away.

Dad: I would like the baby to have a liver.

A virgin is what I called my daughter before I took that away from her.

What starts with M, ends with arriage, and is every guy's favorite thing? Miscarriage.

That one never gets old, just like the baby.

"Cummy wummy all over my mummy."

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.