Pain jokes

What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?

Me: Nah, not really.

Friend: What did they feel like?

Me: 7th grade.

Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?

Dark humor.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?

Answer: Assprin.

I was gonna tell a self harm joke, but realized it would cause too much pain.

What's the difference between a broken shovel and a young child?

The shovel doesn't cry when you swing it into a wall repeatedly.

you.

I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

My heart says to stop because it hurts.

Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.