My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."
What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?
I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.
Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks for $500 million. They are very excited about their transaction, for this is the only legal way to own black people.
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese!
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"
The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"
The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."
I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. Okay, I can't do this anymore.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?
"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩
"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"
How do you call somebody who has bought a Corona?
A Cor-owner.
"Hippoty hoppity, women are property."
When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.
How many genders are there?
One, women are property.
What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:
Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.
Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.
These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.
Only Ninety's kids know about this.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
