Ownership jokes
My best friend is black. It really pissed me off when my mom sold him.
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
What’s the difference between women and cars?
At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.
What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?
What is an oven that you don’t own? Nacho oven.
A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"
What’s the difference between orphans and cars?
I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.
Adopting a kid is like having a yard sale! I mean, if the owners don't want it anymore, what makes you think I want it?
What do you call a nacho that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why don't communists like Microsoft? Because it's Minecraft instead of ourcraft.
I scanned an emo girl's arm the other day. Now I own her, only 3.99 with tax. That's a steal and a half, woopeeee!
"HEY THAT’S MY MILK!"
My chocky milk, don't you touch my chocky milk! It's mine! No it's not! It's your face! Ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?
I don't have a sex slave in my basement...
What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?
I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.
What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?
..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.
The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!
What's the difference between an orphan and a puppy?
Parents enjoy the presents of a puppy.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.