Outing jokes

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

Why should you abuse the hell out of an orphan? Because what are they gonna do? Tell their mom or dad?

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,

It's great being a sniper.

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

*P.O.V orphan wanting to go on school trip/camp*

Teacher: “Can I have your parent's signature? It isn’t filled out.”

Orphan: “Um yeah.... That’s gonna be hard....”

Teacher: “Why?”

Orphan: “I just have to find them first....”

If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?

The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

How do you get the depressed kid out of the tree? You cut the rope.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?

One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.