Outing jokes

Question: "You're-a-American" when you're not in the restroom and when you come out of the restroom. What are you when you're in the restroom?

Answer: European (You're-a-peein')

A man walks into a library.

Man: "Hello ma'am, do you know where I can find a book on suicide?"

Librarian: "Do you know about our return policy?"

Suicidal Man: ...

Librarian: ...

The Woman checking out a book: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What did the grape say when he got squished? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.

Did you hear about the guy who made knock-knock jokes? He won the Nobel Prize.

You are American when you walk into the bathroom, and you are American when you walk out.

But do you know what you are when you're in the bathroom? European.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

Yo momma so fat, her ankle broke and gravy poured out.

Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.

Your mama's so fat, when she went to the baseball tournament, she knocked everyone out of the park.

How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!

I have to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.

Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was and pointed to me. I pushed him out of the car, and my other boyfriend took the front seat.

Did the leaf or the emo fall out of the tree? The leaf won. The rope stopped the emo.

How do u get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope they hung themself in...

Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.

What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?

Only one came out of the chamber.

So I saw a 15 year old kid near a 15 year old girl checking her out.

Then I told him, "What are you doing?"

He told me he will decorate her locker, donate a lot of money to her, and buy her a lot of stuff.

He then told me how easy would that be?

I told him: "That sounds pretty SIMPle."

Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.

This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!

Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"