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One jokes

What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?

One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?

Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.

The woman was thinking she wanted to have sex, but one second later, she did it on the street with a criminal.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.

Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.

In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.

How many Kardashians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One really small one and one really small black guy.