Nut jokes
How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!
A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.
Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!
What do you call a mix of nuts, bolts, and my ex?
A roTHOT.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Why did Mr. Peanut die?
His cane snapped!
Squirrel: I got a joke.
Dog: What the hell is it?
Squirrel: I clicked my nuts and clicked my poop.
Ccddfftggfdrrttty.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.
What do you call a magic car that I can do to help me out for you and I will be doing a great day?
Do you like Wendy’s?
Yeah, Wendy’s nuts finna go in your mouth!
The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"
Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"
"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."
"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
Do you like Wendy's when these nuts hit your face?
What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.
What kind of tree fits into your hand? A palm tree.
What do squirrels eat?
Nuts. 🥜
What do you think of your mom? I can do it.
What do squats eat? Numbers.