Nun jokes

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

What would you throw between a priest and a nun? A bottle of whiskey.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One kneels to pray, one kneels to pay.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.

What’s black and white and red all over?

A crushed nun!

What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?

Slow natives.

Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:

"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"

Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"

Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."

Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."

"Nun" means no one likes them. Just take off that dumb hood!

Man: How tall is a penguin?

Bartender: About three foot, why?

Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!

Poor car.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

What do you call 2 nuns and a prostitute that play football?

Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Nun's worst holiday? Norfolk.

Nun's best holiday? Bangkok.

There are "nun" good jokes.

A nun going down a water shoot? She never felt so wet in all her life!

Two nuns in a bathtub.

One nun asks, "Where's the soap?"

The other nun says, "It sure does."

Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"

Me: "Nun."

What does a nun say when you ask too many questions?

"Nunya business!"