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Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana. Jack got high and slapped her thigh and said "you know you wanna". Jill said yes, pulled down her dress, and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

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    • Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

    Chuck Norris decided to sell his urine as an energy drink, which you now know as Red Bull.

    A hot woman called "Jessie" was showering when the phone rang.

    Jessie was upset because the phone wouldn't stop ringing, and she goes out naked from the bathroom to answer the phone in the hall.

    Jessie on the phone: 《Hello? 》

    The one on the phone: 《Oh hi, I'm Jeff, I just wanted to tell you don't go out from your bathroom naked next time because my brother is behind you right now trying to rape you.》

    Jessie: 《Stop it my sister! This is the 10th time you do this cringe joke! It gets boring!》

    But sadly it wasn't a joke, and she cried a lot that night and learned how not to go out naked from the bathroom again.

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    • Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

    9/11 is like genders.

    There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.

    I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

    I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

    I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

    My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."

    Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

    Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

    Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

    Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

    Mother: Really?

    Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

    Mother: 😁♥️🍪

    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

    "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

    So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

    "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

    Now, how about that drink?

    A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

    Here are some skeleton jokes.

    You know the average person tries too hard and works himself to the bone.

    If that joke didn't tickle your funny bone, I can give you a real humorous joke.

    I used to play the trumpet, now I play the xylo-bone.

    I'm always happy; nothing gets under my skin.

    I made you some turkey for lunch. Bone appetit!

    I'm glad I had you; I'm no longer bonely.

    I've got a skele-ton of more jokes, but I'm just giving you one more.

    Did you hear about the skeleton ninja? He was very skullful (skillful)!