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If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?

"I used to do it, but now I cant!"

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

Friend 1: I HATE YOU!

Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!

Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*

Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.

All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*

I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.

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    • My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

    At least now I can have his phone he left.

    Tyler: What's your favorite fruit?

    Frankie: Pineapple duh, what's yours?

    Tyler: Pineapple

    Frankie: Wanna come over and watch some Netflix? I'm home alone.

    Tyler: Absolutely!! What time should I be there?

    Frankie: Right now.

    Tyler: Sweet! Should I bring a condom?

    Frankie: Now enough talk, let's fuck.

    Tyler: I thought you never asked.

    A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

    So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.

    Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.

    I adopted a dog. It's gone now.

    At least homeless people in China are not starving.

    A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.

    Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.

    The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,

    The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"

    Look at your left hand, now look at your right hand, and tell yourself, "Which hand do you cheat with?"

    Wanking.

    Sun: Hi, I am the sun! I want to warm you up......

    Human: :D

    Sun: I want to BuRn you.........

    Human: .......

    Sun: I want to...... KILL...... you.....

    Human: I should be going now.

    Sun: LET ME KILL YOU!

    Human: *Screams his last sound*

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    • So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

    So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

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