Not jokes

I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

Why do orphans not play bingo?

Because they don’t know what a full house is.

I went fishing while watching porn, and my girlfriend said, "Well, you want my fish?" and I said, "But you're not in the water."

Why did the skeleton not tell jokes? It lost its funny bone. Maybe you should try putting it back.

Have you read "50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Probly Not?

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Be smart, not stupid.

What did the passengers of the plane say when they saw the airplane strip? Nothing, because it was not an airplane strip, but a tower.

Hola! This is when I pranked my mom! I took a fake lobster and put it in the toilet. The fake lobster was in your attic, used for lobster parties, but anyway, I put the fake lobster in the toilet, so when my mom comes in she will find it and overreact to it. Well, she did not overreact, she FREAKED OUT OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First she screamed and then she looked at it and she saw it was fake. laterrrrrrr that's the prankster!

I made a website for orphans, but it did not have a home page.

FaceBook Story: My mom loves FaceBook; she literally posts every day, but this day was sort of a hard hit.

So what happened was my mom got tired of her old name on Facebook, so she changed it to Thatmilf85, and I don't want to explain what milf means, but she got a lot of DM's from a lot of old guys. BUT, this one exact guy named Johnny Sins asked my mom if she wanted to do an adult film. I don't know what that is. I think it's an adult movie, of course, so she says yes and flies out to San Diego, and she never came back after yesterday, and to YOU Johnny Sins, my mom better be Ok and that adult film better be an adult movie and not a por...

I heard the Kardashians were going on a cruise soon.

As if there's not already enough plastic in the ocean.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.

Why was Huggy Wuggy not able to hug Cody’s mom?

Because she was so fat he couldn’t fit his arms around her.

"It's not a war crime if you invade a country with oil."

-Sun Tzu, Art of War

If an orphan took a photo, what would it be considered?

Not a family photo.

Do not trust atoms! They make up everything.

Sans, you lazybones, get up and do something.

Sans: I am doing something.

Papyrus: Oh yeah, what?

Sans: Thinking up a skele-ton of jokes.

Papyrus: SANSSSsSsSsSssSsSSsSsSsSSsSSsSsSsS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will end you.

Sans: What, does someone not have a funny bone? Oh wait, do you have a bone to pick with me? I have 206.