Not jokes

Isn't a gaming console something people use to not be alone?

THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE 50% OF THE GAMES OFFLINE?!??!?!

Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?

His wheelchair always backs him up.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

I can’t take credit for this joke; it’s not mine.

Remember that time Joe Biden fell off his bike? He said it’s not his fault. He blamed the tires for being too inflated.

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

I'm so glad I am not gay. It seems like a pain in the ass.

LOL.

Why did your daddy not come back with the milk?

Because you have no dad because your dad never loved you.

I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.

At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.

This is not really a joke, but it's a question.

If life is a movie, then is death life? Is we seeing the trailer right now?

Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.

Why would the chicken not cross the road?

Because it's too old. (The joke is old.) (The chicken is old.)

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold!

In 2006 on 6/9, there was something called communication opportunity happened. On 6/9. 69. Coincidence? I think NOT.

In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

You have been accused of stealing toilet rolls. How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?

John: I don't know.

Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...