Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.
Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.
If I was a poo, I’d be the one that gets stuck to the bottom of the shitter when no one wants ya xox.
Me: How do you celebrate Christmas?
Orphan: I don't know what you mean.
Me: There is no one to give a present.
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
But you could get plastic surgery and look 20 years younger. With that, no one will suspect you!
What do you call a house with no one living inside?
An orphan house.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
Why can't men play baseball?
Because no one can take the word "balls" seriously anymore.
I told a joke at a funeral, but no one laughed. One mf was ded though💀.
He’s so short no one can see you very close by.
We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandpa.
This year the London marathon was run on your hairline. It was so far back no one could complete it!
No one has my back like my dad.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite drink?
Milk, because no one came back with any.
Why are orphans good at dodge ball?
No one misses them.
Why can't orphans be gay?
There's no one to call "daddy."
LEGO Ninjago - I like it, okay?
Which of the ninja would be best for an undercover mission as the person in disguise?
Kai. He just has to leave his hair down and no one would know it was him. He uses hair gel, as Cole has said a couple times I think, because his hair looks like fire 🔥!
Little Johnny and his mom were sitting in church one day when suddenly Johnny said, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!"
Then his mom said, "Go across the field and into the bushes, hopefully no one will see you there."
Johnny comes back a minute later, and his mom asks, "Did you make it?" Then Johnny said, "No, but there was a box by the door that SAID 'For The Sick!'"
So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.
During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"
Don’t suicide! Please don’t, it’s horrible, and you will hurt so many people that love you.
That’s why no one will be hurt.
