No one jokes
One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.
I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."
Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.
"Kill yourself. Stop thinking whether or not to do it, you dumb fucking cunt, no one likes you. Jump off a fucking 3 story building, bitch."
No one. Beyoncé said "To the left, to the left!" She really meant women have no rights.
Why is the orphan cold?
'Cause there's no one to cuddle with.
Why can't orphans tell jokes?
They have no one to tell them to, people.
Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.
Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.
Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.
What is the difference between a pornstar and a mosquito?
No one stops sucking.
Say yes if you wanna fuck.
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
No one.
Why are priests called father?
I don’t know why.
Because calling them daddy is too suspicious.
Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)
Why can't orphans go on vacation?
The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!
Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!
What do orphans and Trump supporters have in common?
No one likes them.
Why did the orphan die on the road? Because they had no one to hold their hand.
Why do Vampires like virgins?
Because eating a sandwich would be so much more appealing knowing no one fucked it.
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
The doctor says, "Next, please."
I’m working on a good pun, but it makes no one laugh.
Why?
I don’t have a clue.
Orphans can be gay, no problem, because they have no one to disown them.
No one gives a fuck.
Why did the orphan cry to the teacher? Because they have no one else.