Worst Jokes Ever

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

Because it was Luke warm.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."