My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
Worst Jokes Ever
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?
She started her period.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.
