Worst Jokes Ever
I just had sex.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?
One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
Because there was no chemistry...
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Who who, I'm an owl.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you a lot!
Genie: You can only have 3 wishes.
Man: I wish for more wishes.
Genie: You can’t wish for more wishes.
Man: I wish I could.
Genie: ......
What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.