How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
What plate do you need to eat in a car? A license plate!
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”
Joe mama so fat, she fell on both sides of the bed.
Joe mama so dumb she studies for the COVID test.
Joe Mama so dumb, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it is still printing.
Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.
The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.
What's the difference between property and women? At least property still retains some value after getting wrecked.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
...
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
What do you call it when Red Sox can't pull out?
Boston cream pie.
What college can Stephen Hawking not go to? Spelman University.
Fortnite Battle Pass.
B: Can you please stop roasting me?
A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.
Your hairline looks like the Antarctica waves.
I asked a kid where their parents were...
Lol
