I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
me: do you eat your cereal with water? you: no why? me: cuz your dad never came back with the milk
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why can’t you have a proper conversation with the gay person? They’re never straight with you
How are Black people like communism Because they’ll never work But some of them are willing to give it a shot
Why was the rapper always the first one at the party?
Because he never missed a BEAT
I never forget my grandpa’s last words Are you still holding the ladder?
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never had a lentil on my face.
I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo. He said they want you they’ll come get you.
What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...
BlessedBrian must be a SMOKE DETECTOR... because he never fails to kill the vibe
Why was the rapper always in good shape?
Because he never SKIPPED a BEAT
“If you’re good at something, never do it for free. "
Rapboats mom charges $5 a blowie
I would never slap a woman, then I’d be destroying property
Dear Victims.....äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building...äh Amazing City. Theres online but 2000 there ware two Towers.....äh Restaurants. We Hijack the plane....äh Hi Jack. Jack is my Co-pilot and i said hello. Don‘t scream...History Repea..äh.. History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport“💀
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for 20$ an hour.
Old man goes to church
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.r> The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church "
A lion would never drive while drunk.
But a tiger wood
