Need jokes
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
POV: An Asian kidnapper kidnapped an Asian kid, and the kidnapper called the kid's mom. Then the mom said, "No, it's fine, my kid got a B, he failed." And the kidnapper let him go saying he doesn't need a failure.
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
Why is it that skinny men love fat women?
Because we need warmth in the winter and shade in the summer.
What did the rapper say at the bakery?
"I need ALL the dough you got!"
Why can’t orphans go on school trips?
They need a parent signature.
Yo mama is so fat, she doesn't need internet, she's already WORLDWIDE.
Why did the short person become a chef?
Because they could "microwave" dinner without needing a stool!
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the concert?
Because his lyrics were so fire, he needed protection!
Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?
LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Why did the rapper oil up his notepad?
In case he needed to DROP some FREESTYLE NOTES!
Why did the rapper bring a pencil to the concert?
In case he needed to drop some FRESH LINES.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
Why did Ten need a therapist? He was in between 9/11.