Myself jokes

I was bullying Stephen Hawking. I told him, "Why not stand up for yourself?"

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

When I feel depressed, I like to cut myself another piece of cake.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

The kid in the wheelchair was getting bullied, so I encouraged him to stand up for himself. I don't know why he started crying.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

The emo kid said, "I wanna die." But the quiet kid said, "Nah, I'm gonna die myself, bye!"

A person laughs every day.

"Man," they say, "I'm glad I'm not an egg, otherwise I'd just CRACK MYseLf uP!"

Why don't Jedis make puns that often?

They usually have to force them. (I hate myself for that!)

Rape victim: I want to die.

Man: Hang in there.

Rape victim: That's what I'll do, I'll hang myself.

I think I might apply for a job cleaning mirrors. It’s a job I can see myself doing.

I've been doing sex moves on myself so I can be ready when I have sex, and by far the funniest thing to do is finger my butt. I go 2 handed sometimes.

I don't want to taco about myself.

MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Hi guys, I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you! Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.