Myself jokes

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.

Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

‘BJ Titsngolf’

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"