Myself jokes

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.

Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

‘BJ Titsngolf’

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!

Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.

In reality, I like killing myself.