Myself Jokes

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.

Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

‘BJ Titsngolf’

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

I hate myself for laughing at these LMFAO

A man with Down syndrome is smiling and giving a thumbs up. A loading circle is photoshopped above his forehead. The text “DOWNLOADING” is below him.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

Flat earthers are completely wrong. If the earth was flat, I would have yeeted myself off the edge years ago!

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"