My jokes

The exam is knocking at my door... so I ran away from the window.

Want to hear a joke?

My life. Get it?

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Corvette?

I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."

My horrible life.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.

I have a friend called Jakob and asked him, "Where my crackers are?"

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

I hate snow. It's white and on my land.

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

Your face with my cum.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.

Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

Me: But you are not standing:)

A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.

One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.