My jokes
What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?
Get out of my son!
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
My shirt is only red when I think about sex.
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
What's the difference between a Lambo and 100 dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?
When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
I wrote "my pen is big," but forgot to space "pen is."
So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Never mind, it’s too long.
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Don’t worry, it’s too long.
My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"
I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "'Cause it's your twin."
Josh: Tell me something funny.
Mark: My life.
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
I like wine how I like my woman.
4 year old locked in a basement.
My friend had no school because of heavy snow.
Guess you could say it was a snow school day!
My sex life.
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My life is such an udder disappointment. What an udder failure!